Category Archives: Writing

My first, longest, truest love – writing. Step inside and have a browse, leave a comment, praise or slate, it’s all good!

stand up and be counted

Never felt this giddy
Just standing up, like a born
Again teenager-clutz, the arms
And legs are too long, gangley
Gawking as more bits tumble
From sprawling too-wild move-
Ments, the same again as always
Just little ole me, yet standing
Up makes for such a butterfly-
Swirl, stomache-churning bowl-
Me-over experience that I forget
To duck and bang my head, against
What? I don’t know, yesterday,
Today, tomorrow, me, myself and
I all melting into one big morass
Of unsolved riddles, rough and
Smooth waves alike breaking across
My bow, furrowed in concentrated
Coolness, mustn’t lose this tight
Grip I have on letting go, like new
Rider learning the ropes, letting the
Horse take control, trotting by gentle
Nudge instead of yanking the chain,
Reins loose in hand, fighting the urge
To try too hard, so hard just to sit
Still, not just when it’s low, when all’s
Brought down close to zero or less,
Below the plain of common consciousness
Shared depression, we’ve been there,
Done that, got the t-shirt, but no
This is something completely
Different, giddiness of teenage
Second time round, smile inside
Daring the world to bring me down
This is me standing, one foot at a
Time, one limb outstretched as my
Esteem and self climb, up from the
Ground, where I have stayed for so
Long, this is only the beginning,
Teased by song, the tuning forks
Inside have begun to chime, this
Is it, the true beginning of life’s
Hard climb, momentum built, breath
Held close inside, the moment to
Come, book, self, child cried out,
To start here and now feels just so
So right, the beginning again,
This time it will all work out,
Because it has to.

the urge of frustration

Irritating habits die hard beneath
The flying frustration filling fiddley
Finagling, seriously slippery sycophantic
Sarcasm stays solid so sly, yet
Forever headache inducing grumpy
Attitude, this is just a single moment
In time, another well-ended day of
Turmoil unmet, unmatched and
Mostly unknown, the wilds, grass
Growing wildly out of control, excess
Emotion un-mown, hairy peace, yet
No peace at all, this centred grunt
The desire to lash in, not out, to
Strike self where no one else can
Reach, because I can, you get me,
Because I can.

But I won’t. Because it is silliness,
Plain wasted emotion, spent timing
The train’s not here yet, work still
Latent on my mind, the inertia of
Irritating subthoughts, bubbling
Burp-like to surface-mind, the smell and
Taste as stale-rank as any true
Gaseous emission, just one more
Burst bubble of impure thought-
Feeling, rough-edged colliding-
Word poetry-making sorts, all sorts
Bub-bubbling away, yet here I sit
Unable to stem the flow, oh to
Light a cigarette, down a shot, do
Something, step outside of this life
Knot that life itself is not bearable,
Yet something else in its entirety,
Terrible urge to bite fingers to the
Quick, scream from the depths of
Hellish guts, burning chest, the one
Word guttural remains of the day,
And yet as I write this, instead of
Releasing the demons and calming
The soul, the dance continues madly,
Staked and tied to the whole, there
Is no more sequential thought than
This, the rush to the end of that
Dark-edged abyss, the self-same
Pit that so many dodge round,
Some even float over, some crawl
On the ground, yet I stand stricken
Looking down deep inside, the
Monster inside of me called out
To ride, that great last one single
Adrenalin rush, to the bottom of
Hell, our own personal bend, the
Life of love and happiness spiked
On the end.

Still light dances the magic
The heart has not done, still
Singing the niceandquick, that spin
To the end, the DJ’s winding down,
The music’s turned off, the lights
All blast on, burning the last sultry
Dream off, the real world is here,
No fantasy rush, just another day
Gone by, another days final flush,
To sit and watch the swirl, of trees
Flying by, I take a deep breath
Let out soulful sigh, and realise
Today, is like all of the rest, you
Try hard as possible to always
Give your best, yet sometimes just
Sometimes, that beast of rebellion
Uncurls deep inside, that child that
We all once were looks around with
A cry, shouting, “What have you done!
With all of our dreams held so dear?
Where is the happy state, we always
Felt was so near? Where is the love?
The job satisfaction? Where is the
Caring, selfless compassion?
Where is the hero, that one we all
Are? Where have you led me?
When we had already come so far?
Why have you done this? Why take
It laying down? Why not live our lives
Now? Turn scowls upside down?
Where are we headed? Why do we
Want to go down there? Where is
Our head at? Why look deep down
There?” Then that little piece of
Sane self, the part we keep on the
Shelf, grabs us by our own collars,
Lifts us up on our feet, looks us
Sternly in the eye, pinches each
Stinging cheek, and tells us to behave,
To stop being so silly, and we know
They are right, with dry thank you
In throat, because we are looking
Into our own eyes, ourselves but
Remote, the ones we had sacrificed,
Who we felt left behind, have battered
Down internal doors, to come and
Save their own kind. We thank you
Other selves, you really came just
In time, we were about to do
Something dangerously unnecessary,
You have freed us from our own selves,
Let’s speak no more about this,
Moving right along, there’s no need
To make any more of today’s rush
To the line. Just rest dear true selves,
Go back and sleep in your rooms,
I’ve got this all covered.
You’re safe from me, I swear.
Rest, dear friends, rest well,
For the day’s nearly done, the flare
Of frustration’s course’s nearly run,
The negative internal vibes have
All been grounded away, head back
To your rooms, go relax, run and play,
Tomorrow will come as always, just
Another simple day, rest my selves,
Rest well, your job has been done,
See I still am a hero, even though
The only one I save is myself.

due south

Friendships shimmer like lost
Blossoms of springtimes dead
Heat, suffocated by winter’s downy
Head, laid down to rest with all
Else that sleeps in the dead cold
Dark of life’s quiet, slow period.

All life flows south for winter,
Due south, like the birds, yet
Even my own guts tell me, in
Their revolt against too much
Drink, salt, sugar, time, stress, or
Not enough sleep, that even I
Must shut down some, go south
As it were, for winter’s true veil,
The one that shimmers like lost
Love, the horizon of ever-promised
Spring juice, summer love, autumn
Romance, all is lost in the dead of
Cold, dark, hail of the soul.

For now is the time, the time to
Rest, easy in the knowledge that
Even as the bright golden red
Embers burn, deep hot breaths of
Ice-tight hollow nothing seep into
Everything I see, the road slipping
Ever further into tunnel vision, that
False premise of a life well lived,
Even that small wish meets its own
Gruesome demise, just so, for as
We learn, as we grow, nothing is
Real, all transient, change is the
Only constant, just so.

This is not the hail mary, everlast
Cry of a lone wolf in the forest, but
Rather just another single beam of
Wavering light, another candle in the
Wind of life’s funny torrential downpour,
One more gust of harsh breath,
Hard-earned pain and empty night.

Tomorrow is a new day, will be all
The same a flow of inconsequential
Sameness, that disheartening fever
Of life lived to the extreme, an extent
Of what we living, thinking, being
Creatures call the ‘cure’, to boredom,
To loneliness, to frustration, just so,
Just so.

And still we burn.

time and again

‘It’ happened again, grabbed
By the backlit eyes, blaring
Golden humanity, smiling bright
From behind guarded eyes, she
Smiled, whole face lighting up
With life’s love and breathe,
Filling my chest with joy, breathe
Of fresh air, gust of sea breeze
Blowing cobwebs of listless
Tenderly cultivated stillness out
The window, breathing in fresh
Sunlight and air.

To laugh, unashamedly, great dorky
Guffaws of selfless me, bursting
Forth, as if I did not mind what others
Thought, indeed I did not, for I was
Am happy, momentary smiles
Broadening into full-blown central
Heating glow, as if for the first time
That breathe of fresh salt air, scoring
Deep lines of breakage joyfully across
What I thought were permanent
Walls, self-protection disintegrating
Melting like sand before the waves,
Yet still remains the calm, as if
This were the most natural
Of all states, just so, the way it was
Meant to be, just general good feeling
And me.

Time will only tell, whether this
Is false pretence, the lost lonely
Boy grasping like a drowning soul
At a life raft promise of happiness,
Yet even as I write these
Last few lines, I know it to be untrue,
This may not be the end of the world,
Yet it is the beginning of something.

If being on my own two
Feet has taught me anything, it is
This, that we are what we have been, we
Breathe air in that once cycled through
Our own internals, we make this
Life what it is.

Whether this is truth for all,
Or just truth for one, for me, I
Cannot tell. Yet it is true, for now
For me.

Welcome back happiness, may you
Stay a while, rest your warmth against
My breast, breathe your sweet honeysuckle
Breeze across my chin, brush my cheek
With life-thrilling tenderness,
Tell me all will be well. I
Am a little older, a little bit
Wiser, a few more scars, bumps
And bruises, yet I am still me.

Rest your head, happiness,
Against my soul-home, and whisper
Sweet nothings in my ear. May it be
Transient, this still is,
This is still.

Welcome home happy thoughts,
Internal smiles will always be
Welcome.