Tag Archives: life

Much like us

The sunlight dances off of the newborn baby’s skull, glistening from the blood sheen of crying life that she held in her arms like it was humanities life-raft, and not some natural birth of an animal. The ape looked at her with softness in its eyes, or maybe it was just the light, then reached out, and plucked the baby from her arms. Her eyes glazed over with rage as he pulled the baby close, and began to offer it a finger. Only when she saw that he was allowing it to suckle on his immense dark fingernail did she back down, her bared teeth retracting behind suddenly calm skin no lips to protect them from the ravages of the wild.

The mountain around them shimmered to another beautiful, serene evening, the reverse-dawn hiding the sky in the cloaking black of night a shade at a time, finally dying to darkest blue at the sun-tinged horizon, before dipping out of sight completely, the darkness of the night only accentuated by the clear crisp moonlight that sheltered the landscape. Moon-shadows danced across treetops as monkeys too-tired to sleep ran amok, the forest alive with the new birth, and no one knowing the true meaning of life but the mother suckling her young in the deep undergrowth, in a nest big enough to park a small vehicle, yet hidden away from the prying eyes of the poachers.

She could not see him, but she could sense him, not smell him, but feel him, his huge hairy, muscular body near him as she breathed in the scent of the dark. He was hunting her, showing her his prowess, his uniqueness as a father to the young dark life she huddled against her flat breast, the skin giving up to nipple in the baby’s mouth as he suckled, totally oblivious to the mammoth monster just lurking at the shadow’s edge. She could feel him moving closer, edging his way back into her, could taste his desire, driven by the sight of so much blood, and the strength of becoming a father to new life, of creating a new being out of seemingly nothing. The primal instinct was his, and the protective instinct was hers. She wanted to shuffle away into the trees, clutching her precious life to her breast. She did not need this large shuffling monster to clumsily step on the baby that she had nursed for so long, all morning since its birth, all her life waiting for this moment, for the last moment, for each step of motherhood, no matter how many times she was a mother.

The ape stopped and snorted softly, as if reading her thoughts of escape, circling quickly left, then right, slowly encircling her with his man-ness, for that is what the fear tasted like, that of being hunted by those strange beasts with the flaming blades of pain, that they pointed at her family so long ago, that had torn her so far from where she had once been raised, so far that she could not remember the way back, only running into the mountains or hills, walking into trees that should not be there, crossing rivers which should not have been running that way, in such a way across her path. She was disorientated, and therefore wanted to run away from this monster that could just as easily leave as turn and charge her, making her stand once more up, bared teeth, and fight, although she is less than a third his size. She would never win, could never win, but may allow the escape of this other life, this other life that depended on her for everything.

It hurt inside to see the small eyes unable to open and see her. She looked down, shifting her weight so that the eyes opened long enough to enunciate a cry, her nipple having been wrested from searching and sucking lips. The cry froze the beast in the jungle, and for a moment the mother and child were frozen too, listening to the deep panting breath of the beast in the forest, mist of steam coming from the breath, as from the forest floor, as if the whole forest were breathing in rhythm. The mother only wanted the light to come, the warmth of the sun to caress her and baby awake in the morning, awaken them in their nest, alone, the large brute that now stalked them, keeping to the shadows of the giant forest trees’ leaves, off somewhere ravaging another animal for dinner, fending off another attempt at a great ape takeover, anything to distract him from this hunting of his own, this desire to take over the space on her breast of this new life. She could feel his desire to take over, the desire to fight the ravages of nature, and win, to be unique in his ability to kill his own, only to be with the one he killed the life of, to be there with her with the dead baby in his mouth, smiling triumphantly at her at breaking the hold she had over him, at the hold that kept him in the shadow, outside of her nest, forever pacing, knowing that his was to be chained to the outside, like a beast at the end of a tether, forever falling short of the desired meal, the feast of freedom, for that was his lot, his life, the way he had to be.

Mother Bear

Another day, another airport,
So far away, further than before,
Heading to calm steam emotions,
Flat self echoing fear and superstition,
All that I want, I cannot say,
All is calm inside and out,
But deep down I rile,
Thank the steam of cool control,
That stems the flow of tears,
The solid resolve to not break down,
That holds me tight in iron grip,
And flattens my darkest fears.

Life without is strangely empty,
No thoughts can move along that path,
You are my reason, touchstone, sanity,
Without you I am adrift at sea,
I know you are always with me,
That forever waits for no one, yet
I hope to hold you close once again,
And chase your nightmares away, Mother Bear,
For me, for everyone, you have always been there,
And within us you will always stay.

29/10/07

The journey is going to be a long one.
That much is for sure.  This is a long trip and I’m only just readying my house for the absence of myself.  Cleaning cubpoards that will gather dust as I’m gone.  Washing dishes so that burglars will find a clean home.  But this home no one is going to break into while I’m gone, because I’m taking it with me.

Like a snail takes its shell, so I’m closing up shop and getting out, taking my whole self with me, but on the outside.  This is a trip for all of me, seven year old and adult, happy hyper friendly bloke and confused lonely depressed stricken soul.  Angry independent and crushing neediness all in one.  This is my trip, with all of me.  And I’ll have to be strong.  I’m going to be wearing not just my heart, but all of me, right out there on my sleeve.  Because there’s no other way to do it.  I need to sit on the outrigger of my own soul and watch the world go by.

I need to sit there, my adult self, with my child self sitting close by, arm around me in protection until I shrug myself off, almost immediately.  I sit there beside myself at ease and at peace because finally I’m me, through and through.  Not just some me that loses itself to auto-pilot because the rest of me is locked away inside, the creative self is locked away deep inside, only peeping out through the crust of broken dead dreams when I’m too out of it or comfortable and happy to defend the gates I built so long ago.

Like Return to Oz, my inner self is over run with demons on razor wheels, running around slicing myself up as I try to repair the damage.  A running argument with myself about what I did and did not do right or wrong.  It does not matter right now.  Because that argument has been ongoing most of my life and does not, has never, helped me solve where I am or where I want to be.

I may have a home, but I know that I can have more.  I may have a family, but I know that I can be successful and happy and supportive to all I love and everyone I care about.  If only I can get past this lump in my chest, choking me back.  I retreat even as I write, but I know this to be true.  My young self is afraid of the harsh reality that I’ve protected myself for so long.  Not the reality of the outside world.  Not of the reality of pain and suffering or war and murder.  But rather the reality of what I have chosen to do with my life up to this point.  The paths I have taken and the paths I have not taken.

Yet still the seven year old Me shakes his head.  This is not true either.  Pause.

So what is it?  What keeps the tears flowing as I write the poetry, prose, gibberish, streams-of-consciousness.  That I do not know.  He is gone, hidden back down in his hole.  Come back.  Play again.  I miss you.  You are me and I miss you, me.  I miss me.

I remember a long time ago when I was happy, truly happy.  Not just when I was with other people, family, friends, loved ones, but when I was alone.  I was truly 100% happy all by myself because I knew who and what I was.  I was true to myself.

And I want that back.

I want the honesty back.

I’m sick of all of the arrogant self-awareness masquerading as anger and violence, blatant sex and hatred, war and self-righteous religious zealism.  This is not how the world was meant to be.  We’re supposed to help each other.

Does no one remember the image of heaven and hell?

Hell is a table surrounded by chairs, each filled by a person with a long knife and fork for hands.  There is food in front of them, but they cannot eat it themselves, because the foot is too far away at the end of the fork or knife, so they are forever cutting themselves and those around them as they try to eat the food in front of them.  Some fight for food off other people’s plates, cutting and slicing other people in their attempt to eat, but are still unable to feed themselves.

Heaven is that same table, with those same people.  But instead of trying to feed themselves, which just leads to misery and pain, they are feeding each other.  Everyone is fed, happy, comfortable, warm and caring.  Everyone feels good about themselves and each other because they are sated and helping others.

This life is not about dying to get to the next region, the next reality, the next world.  This life is either heaven or hell RIGHT THE FUCK HERE.

Why is it so hard for everyone to see?  What makes it so difficult for each of us relatively intelligent human beings to realise that we are missing the point of existence.

Who cares what you make?  Who cares who you are faster than?  What you take from the mouths of others, how quickly you can knock someone else out, are all false realities based upon our own need to fulfill that dark hole.  Our desire to feed ourselves from our own and everyone else’s plate is what makes us so miserable.

Suicide bombers are not the answer.

God is not the answer (in whatever guise he/she/it/they take).

We are the answer.

Stop for a moment and think about what I’m saying/writing.

Stop for a moment and run through your day, imagining that you did everything right instead of the way you felt at the time.

Instead of shouting at the driver in front of you for stopping at a cross-walk to let the mother and child cross the road, sit back and realise that if you are late it is your fault so instead of getting stressed out, make a mental note to leave earlier next time.

This is true of every step in every moment of every day of our lives.

Our lives are OUR responsibility, no one else’s.

WE are responsible for OUR happiness.

It is NOT someone else’s job to make us happy, to give us what we want out of our lives.

It is up to US to make ourselves happy with what we have.

And if we are not happy, we should DO SOMETHING POSITIVE in our life to change that which we are not happy with, to make it better.

If we do not work on ourselves, we can not complain about our lives not improving.

If we work on ourselves, our lives WILL IMPROVE.

Simple as.

Hard as anything.

I know.

I’m doing it.  I’m walking the fire and hot coals to get myselves back together so that I can move forward in my life, be the best father that my child could hope for, because that is what would make me truly happy, soul-deep.  Everything else is just a bonus.

Don’t go for my goal.  Go for you own goal.  But really go for it.

Don’t compete because you want to be better, faster, stronger, smarter.

I guarantee you that there will always be someone better, faster, stronger, smarter than you.

Compete because you want to be better than yourself.  Next time round you want to push that much harder, run that much faster, dance that much better, swim that much faster, paint that much smoother, live that much happier.

For if you do not take control of your own life, your life takes control of you.

Wake up and smell the bullshit.

If you are unhappy, it is YOUR FAULT.

If you are not where you want to be, it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to change where you are to match where you want to be.

YOU are in charge of your own life, your own destiny.

YOU are in charge of your future.

Think misery and misery you shall have.

Think love, happiness and joy,

Love happiness and joy you shall have.

This is not about god or God or gods.

This is about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness.

Remember who you were when you were seven.

Remember what you wanted to do when you were seven.

Then look at who you are, where you are, what you are doing right now,

Through those eyes.

And tell me whether you aren’t just a little bit embarrassed by how far you have strayed from what you wanted then.

Why have you strayed?  Is it because you are so different to that person back then?

I don’t think so.  If that were the case, you would not be able to feel so close to yourself then.

We pile on the years as if they are an excuse to be assholes and bitches to each other.

We put on our cynicism as the armor and the sarcasm and bitterness as our weapons against a world that dares to question our negative reality.  That same reality we use to justify our own shitty behaviour.

That same reality we use to justify our betrayal of our true selves.

Remember what it was to be a child.  Don’t ever forget.

For when you forget that, you are no longer living.

You are dying.  From the inside out.

Why not choose to live?

Even Flow

This is how it is, in life, in me
With all that I am and was, all that I will ever be
This is me.

Flowing like a sly snake slithering slowly sideways
Hot sand not touching skin but instead moving aside
For the slickness of my life to leave a telltale s-shaped jagged wound
In the land that I walk, forever doomed by those prophetic words,
“You’ll be a real heart breaker some day,” who knew
The heart that I would break time and again would be
Mine.

No masochist,
Me
Just broken, ever so slightly
You see
This is not the beginning or the end
For life does not work like a movie
Pat top and bottom, clear middle and run-up
Exercise some common sense and realise
That the reality of life is a constant, ever open ‘o’
Of amazing change, amazement itself just another way of saying
‘oops, i did it again’

So this is where i sit now,
Having ‘oopsed’ one time more
This time no more an oops than ever before
But it could be the last one to be made with eyes shut
If I am to make more, they will have to be consciously on purpose
Meaningfully all the more painful for their directed aim
To make me more than I am, once more again,
To turn this sad sourpuss of a future-prefect child
Into the man he needs to be to see this life to its fruitful end
Another aim, this time too high, maybe, but all the same
An aim to me to be what I need for my life to be complete
To be completely happy and comfortable, or at least comfortably happy

Which is one and the same, isn’t it?

So this is my manifesto, that all children come first
That I will make my greatest effort to live by the creed
The creed that is burned in God-like mile-high flaming letters in the darkest corners of my soul
I must “Hurt as few people as little as possible,” and
“Help as many people as much as possible,” for this is life distilled,
Is it not? To be able to say, “I did it my way, and my way hurt so little, and helped so much,
So it must be the right way, for me, at least” and maybe to end it with
“Don’t you see this is as true as mathematical formulae?”
Only to watch others nod sagely, never to know if they agree because you are right
Correct, even, but rather that you are nice, a good soul
And they would not want to let you down on your deathbed.

Saying this before then would be presumptive and arrogant,
Even that they may lie to you to make the last moments all the more meaningful
All the less painful, but you do not need to ask them
For if you do not know, in your heart of hearts
That you have lived your life by your own manifesto
To its fullest extent, the end of the meaning of life,
Your life, will have become something less than what it could have been
And at the end, this is all that will have mattered, you will see.

To be able to look into the eyes of yourself dying
Years from now, and say, “I plan on getting their well,
And dying better” is the most difficult promise we can make, ever
But we owe it to ourselves, don’t we?
To be good is easy, to be really good is easier
But to be Good and Real is the most difficult edge to take in life
The tight rope of sanity and depression, of energy and loss
To always make the right choice because it is the right choice
Not because anyone is watching, or because it suits me
Because some karmic bean counter is watching everything I do
Or because some all-seeing creator is watching my every breath
Or because some all-knowing lord has said it must be so
But because I choose to be that way, knowing full well
That I could be else, have it in me to be the worst of life’s wretched
Creatures, but choose instead to slave away at a life harder to reach
The comfort not given but taken one step at a time, one tear at a time
One slice at a time, one second at a time
One moment in time, and that is all.

each moment counts, make it count, or die trying.

There is nothing more pure than this.