Tag Archives: loss

sleep

Sitting here, slumbering pooch nestled
Up warm back to base of my spine, black
Cat chittering excitedly from atop bed-
Room door, not swung wide enough to
Again knock hanging Eiffel Tower pic
From it’s single nail in the wall, old
Man Wishbone stretching as he settles,
Claws scrabbling for stretchy-purchase
On original hardwood hard-varnished floor, and
Still my aching temple does not relinquish the fact,
That not twenty-four hours ago, this self-
Same I, was wound up like coiled silver spring,
One more lost soul, caught up in the moment,
About to lose it, and all for the memory,
One clear clean frozen fraction of time,
Flooded with the warmth of memory, and
The pain of loss, this self-same man, me,
Was on the brink of being back in his
Mother’s warm smiling embrace, those
Soulful laughingly love-filled compassionate eyes,
Although a dear stranger, dear all the same,
Same down-dragging corner of mouth,
Same wicked humour glinting in eyes,
Until the puffy stroke-folded cheek,
Muscle toying with the hint of a smile,
Like an old man teasing one last curl of
The dumbbell, smiling while given muscles
Give in, she smiled at me, glad for some
Company, a friendly face. So I smiled
Back, and we chatted about the weather
And gloves, til my skinnydecaflatte arrived,
And I had no more excuses to stay, yet
I would have anyway, if the tears had not
Burned my eyes tightly shut, dry heat threatening
To burst the damns of self-inflicted self-reserve,
And chased me out of that plastic place,
Into the rain-splattered stony cathedral outside,
Where words and thoughts flooded through me,
In through my deepest soul pain, then
Back out again, until I could no more read
The words on my screen, and keep straight
Faced, and so I stood, back to nothing at all,
Silent torrents of loss, coursing down rain-
Damped cheeks, lost in my own world
Of memory and pain, wondering when I would ever see you again, mom,
Writing frozen fingers tapping the screen,
Blurred vision reading words quickly unseen
So much deep unearthment, earth movers away,

The knowledge that my mother’s love had reached through
The past, the last half-decade of years, to smile
Lovingly at me through familiar stranger’s eyes,
All rolled up together into an endless deep-breathing sigh,
Only to crash me back down, to earth, concrete and stone,
Reminding me that we are never alone, for our loved ones
Follow us, to be around when we’re down, and smile out at
Us from strangers’ eyes, to remind us of who we really are,
And of how far we’ve come, that as long as we haven’t given
Up, then we are nowhere near done, to never give up,
Nor surrender our selves, that’s the trick of all time,
No matter how old. So don’t give up, or
Give in, even if all seems to go, for your mother
May be peaking out of someone else’s eyes, just to
Say a quick hello, and how do you do, and
Fair thee well, goodnight, sweet dreams,
Let us all see what tomorrow brings.

true love

runs deep, beneath the under-
currents writhing souls in our own
true internal River Styx of the dead
and gone, past, but not forgotten,
those we love carried forever in our-
selves, our hearts and minds forever
changed, altered for the better, our
every moment touched by those who
made our hearts sing, and we stand
here, in reverent silence, remembering
how it was to hold the ones we love,
smiling through the quiet tears trailing
down inside as we feel the warmth of
their humour, spinning what can be
such a cruel world into the love for life
that they represent, for now and forever,
for that is what they are to us, whether
close to hand, or watching over every
thing we do, we know they are happy,
sharing in our joys, revelling and cheering
at our triumphs, eyes dancing as they always
did, filling our souls with that love which never ends,
true love.

to all those who have lost love,
said goodbye to the centre of their world,
watched reality crumble as they stood
powerless to stop the march of time,
let us remember our truly loved as they
want us to remember, not as sad, or
ill, tired or old, but as vibrant reminders of how
life is lived, not survived. Let us live for
them, and them through us, through our
joys and sorrows, through our memory,
through our true love.

ghost child

Today I saw, walk back
From work to the train, just
Another normal day, breathing
In the freedom, of time earned, a
Smile near breaking, as I watch a young
Girl, maybe 2, dodge her mom’s hand
While crossing the road, my smile
Dying as she wanders too far,
Parent inside wishing she
Would cross safely, mind
Showing the great
Yellow bus coming
All too fast, all
Too soon.

Then they cross,
Safely.

My mind wanders. I am
Still in that space between
Dream and waking, wandering
Through the damp familiar streets
Of my own mind, wondering what to
Have for dinner, when I see the couple
Standing staring back past my shoulder,
At the now empty road, and I look with
Them, for them, searching for that
Little girl, nowhere to be seen,
No longer a little girl but the
Phantom of a dream
Memory shared, lost
Waking dream,
Shared again,
Lost again,
Gone.

due south

Friendships shimmer like lost
Blossoms of springtimes dead
Heat, suffocated by winter’s downy
Head, laid down to rest with all
Else that sleeps in the dead cold
Dark of life’s quiet, slow period.

All life flows south for winter,
Due south, like the birds, yet
Even my own guts tell me, in
Their revolt against too much
Drink, salt, sugar, time, stress, or
Not enough sleep, that even I
Must shut down some, go south
As it were, for winter’s true veil,
The one that shimmers like lost
Love, the horizon of ever-promised
Spring juice, summer love, autumn
Romance, all is lost in the dead of
Cold, dark, hail of the soul.

For now is the time, the time to
Rest, easy in the knowledge that
Even as the bright golden red
Embers burn, deep hot breaths of
Ice-tight hollow nothing seep into
Everything I see, the road slipping
Ever further into tunnel vision, that
False premise of a life well lived,
Even that small wish meets its own
Gruesome demise, just so, for as
We learn, as we grow, nothing is
Real, all transient, change is the
Only constant, just so.

This is not the hail mary, everlast
Cry of a lone wolf in the forest, but
Rather just another single beam of
Wavering light, another candle in the
Wind of life’s funny torrential downpour,
One more gust of harsh breath,
Hard-earned pain and empty night.

Tomorrow is a new day, will be all
The same a flow of inconsequential
Sameness, that disheartening fever
Of life lived to the extreme, an extent
Of what we living, thinking, being
Creatures call the ‘cure’, to boredom,
To loneliness, to frustration, just so,
Just so.

And still we burn.